I'm obsessed with ensuring that things are unplugged. In the days before camera phones I had to go back and check all the devices in my flat or my place of work were unplugged before I left because I was convinced that if I didn't they would catch fire. This was negative because even if I'd checked once, I'd have to go back and check two three or more times. Often it made me late for work. Once I'd got a camera phone, one of my colleagues who'd seen me doing this recommended that I take a picture instead to reassure myself. Now each of my old mobile phones has hundreds of pictures of plugs of places I have been living and working. It hasn't been as bad recently but only because my other half works from home and therefore because he is at home it doesn't matter (in my mind) if things are left plugged in.
This doesn't sound so bad I suppose but if I'm honest, it has stopped me from doing things. I now often avoid events where I might be perceived to be responsible for unplugging something or switching it off. I'm also really limited in my career options because I'm afraid I might end up responsible for switching things off. For example in the last few months I have disregarded several job opportunities such as being a receptionist because there was a possibility that I might end up solely responsible for switching things off such as a PC or printer.
My other problem is with writing things down. For some reason I'm terrified that I might have made an error or somehow subconsciously written something offensive on an email or letter that I have sent out. In the last month at both work and home I have sealed envelopes only to open them up again and have to write new ones. I sealed and reopened about 20 of my Christmas cards. At work I've got around it in most cases because luckily they require you to save electronic copies of the letters you send out and to take photocopies for paper files. Because I'm then able to check the photocopies I don't feel as bad. I also read and reread emails about five or six times because I'm worried about what I might have written. I now can't leave the office without checking all the emails I have sent that day despite the fact that I check almost every email in my sent items once I have sent it.
My Christmas cards were almost late going out this year because I was so worried that I didn't want to post them. I may even get into trouble at work because it takes me too long to do a simple task like sending out letters.
The other major way it is impacting on me at the moment is that I'm afraid to go on holiday. I don't like leaving the house even for a weekend. Although I'm fine once we've actually left I feel very uncomfortable and unhappy. I have to take photos of all the plugs and other things and make my other half check the windows are locked. I feel sick as we walk away.
I also have these spontaneous worries that pop up when I don't expect them which also make me sick and uncomfortable. There are many other long term and old ones that I don't even want to go into.
This winter break I decided to try and do something about it and because people had joked in the past that I had OCD I decided to pick up a book about it. It's odd because in a way I knew that I did have it but I was in denial as well. Part of the problem is (which I've read other people experience too) that as soon as I'm out of a period or moment of feeling anxiety or fear and I feel sort of normal again, I don't want to think about it or look at ways of getting better because I just want to forget about it all.
I picked up a book called Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm only on page 29 and so far it has been both horrifying and interesting. It's been interesting because I recognise a lot of myself in the examples they use. It's been horrifying because I've taken one of the self assessment tests in the back and this pretty much shows that I definitely have it. Now I feel scared because I have to face it now. The book says you can overcome it but I feel like I can't and that it has such a powerful hold over me that I'm not strong enough to do it. I'm scared because I suspect that as well as this I have a problem with anxiety too which means I'm facing two problems. I'm also from a family which is very much of the 'pull your socks up and get on with it' tradition. In the past my attempts to come out of the wardrobe (I'm British I don't do closets) have been rebuffed when I've sought help from one family member so I have the fear of that. I'm also afraid because I know the mentally ill are stigmatised and that is frightening too.
I've decided to post this here because at the moment I'm tempted to close the book and forget about it and just try to muddle through like I have been doing. I'm hoping that by outing myself and putting this out in the world I won't be able to do that. I'm hoping this is the first step along this scary path and that once it's out there and I'm not hiding my problems any more I will of overcome the hurdle of telling people. Part of the reason I've failed to sort this out before is because when I want to say something I realise that the things I worry about are silly. I can't form the words because I'm afraid of being judged as absurd and crazy for feeling this way. Yet even while I do this I still continue to worry because they still feel true in my own head.
Thanks for listening.
